When Eric's belongings came home from New Zealand 20 years ago, Ryan found this file in his computer. Eric had titled it American Observations and it captured some of his thoughts from his semester abroad at Melbourne University. It details the thoughts, hopes and insecurities of a 20 year old who was almost as far from home as a person can get and still stay on the planet.
We miss him every day.
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American Observations
by Eric Davis Foss
1999
I feel like Doogie
Howser... I've never
actually taken the time to
jot down my thoughts. Maybe because my mind works in a weird way. In some ways
I feel like what comes out of my mouth never truly represents the thought
process that occurs within my head. Somewhere in-between, an ego or an insecurity gets in the way.
Yet here I sit in a small room, located on the second floor of a castle, writing to
myself for no apparent reason.
I haven't quite worked my
way into the mainstream of all these Aussies. At dinner, I sit there and listen
much more than I talk. I watch all these exchange students sit there and blow smoke about how it is in America
and pretend that they're
really somebody special where they come from. They are so eager
to display themselves -or the selves
they choose to portray. As for me, I like to wait and listen.
You
learn a lot more that way. Half the time, the more you
get to know someone, the less you respect them. The other half of the time you make them your friend.
I've made two friends so far, an
Englishmen named Chris who appears to be my equal in pool, and a 4th year
Aussie named Simon who is much more Americanized than most you meet. He lived in Vail for two years and has
actually skied at Sugarloaf, my hometown mountain. Lewis,
a Princeton man from
San Francisco, has become my new lifting partner. We are both on a conquest to get huge. Laugh
at us meathead weight boys all you want, but I kinda like having a set of pecks
and a nice bicep for once. My
whole life I've been a scrawny little boy. Yesterday the captain
of the rugby team asked me to play cause he needed some more big guys. I was flattered. Plus the chicks love it.
Anyway I really haven't accomplished anything that I set out to do, I actually wanted to come off sounding intellectual. Instead I sound like a columnist from Swank magazine or something. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something good to write. Until then...later.
October 21, 1999
The city of Melbourne is kind of like Boston,
similar to Montreal, but it has this Australian feeling
that is in a way overwhelming. "Cheers Mate" and "How you goin" are
common greetings in these parts.
Aussies can drink! An alcoholic in America is considered a good drinker in Australia.
I have been called a variety of names like Yank and American in drunken choruses sung by the entire rugby team led by Dennis. At the end of each song, I was forced to scull (finish) my beer.
So much for the journal I was gonna create during my stay in Australia....I
guess it's not too late considering that I still have a few
months left....yeah...that's the ticket....procrastination! The
key to success. "The
brain functions better
under the stress of putting things off," spoken by a biochemistry major I ran into the
other day.
He seemed smart
enough but could have been talking out of his butt, as many of the Australians around this place do. If they would stop complaining (and drinking so much),they
could be one of the most recognized nations in the world....instead they're stuck under the
wing of the Brits.
Anyway....
What have I learned....
Rugby is a good sport. It is played not only for your team, but for yourself. It is a true test of one's athletic spirit.
Beer is good.....
Those 7am phone calls from the parents in the states the morning after a smoko (college party) are bad...
If you love someone and you go very far away from them, it hurts...
Bedtime is imminent when you can't type because the screen keeps getting all fuzzy. Especially when its 3:22 in the morning and you just got back from Octoberfest.
Maybe next time I'll
express something meaningful in life. We're working on the meaning of life in philosophy. I've expressed two opinions in the
class where others are quite quick to draw
conclusions. As usual,
I don't say much in a
situation unless I'm
sitting around a campfire with some good friends.
Who knows anyway...everybody
can have an opinion, but
when all is said and done, they are still just opinions.
God is different for every person out there, and religions put these gods into categories. It seems like
the categories get bigger and bigger, while the number
of people who don't fit into these categories, or perhaps don't believe
in God, gets larger and larger. There
are the people who don't
believe in anything at all. Does it all come
down to nothing? What could it mean then? "I dunno" would probably be
a good answer since "nothing is
the answer".
Getting back to the philosophy class, the only two comments I've made on the subject have been very short as well. The first came when someone rhetorically asked themselves what the meaning of life was after their idea was shot down by the teacher.
I replied
"42".....
A few laughed, obviously having read the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the
Galaxy" series. The others stared as if I had something hanging out of my nose.
I realized that a few
started actually
contemplating the answer as if they had to check it out and see if that fit right with their belief in Jesus
Christ and the Ten Commandments.
I laughed to try to show I was just making
a joke. The
teacher then pried for my opinion on the
philosophical topic they were having before on the subject.
I felt like
saying.."Listen buddy....I've had better philosophy discussions with the
kid on acid stuck to a chair in the corner than I am having
with you".
But instead
I said, "Life is the meaning
of Life. We are
created by life, make life, and die."
A girl from across the
room said, "Huh?"
I said
"Excuse me."
She said, "Could you repeat that?"
I said "Tool once said Life feeds on life.....this is necessary."
She said
"Huh?''......Once again people looked at me "funny". Some
were amused with the reference to a heroin
metal band in a philosophy tutorial, while others gazed, once again, as if my words
were Spanish.
I said, "It just seems like a reasonable deduction that we are here
to make life. If
we ceased to create life, there would be no life, and therefore all human possibilities would become impossible till the next batch of apes made that huge evolutionary jump and started the spiral all over again."
She proceeded
to look down into her notepad and write something. I can't remember the last time somebody actually wrote down my name. Everyone else seemed to accept
the deduction for a split second and then murmurs began around the room which
seemed to overwhelmingly shoot down my theory.
The tutor
began his objection right at that point, and confused the hell out of me for 2
minutes with his definitions of meaning. He seemed to meld the word from
meaning to purpose, and then explained that my revelation didn't hit the mark
of defining those deeper purposes involving
right and wrong
and good and evil, Ying and Yang, Bill and Ted ...whatever.
I said to him," Many
of these purposes come from the process of creating life, such as family. They become the part in life that people value most. At the end of
every great man's life,
he most likely
wishes he could
have done more for his family,
and less of what he did to pursue his own agenda. Morals and values should
be taught at home according to most learned people. It just seems to make sense."
He said "True, true, but this still leaves
us in question."
I nodded, as if to say "Fair enough", and with that he
looked at his watch and sent us out into the world of academia to fill the jug
with more juice.
I hope the juice
makes money.....ahhhhhh....those ever so "real-life" meanings.
Anyway....
November 2nd, 1999
3 days till my first final....Man I hate studying. The only time I can
actually force myself to sit down and study are during those 24 panic filled hours before the test. I
question the meaning of it all often. One
of my only motivations to do well comes from my father.
Otherwise I think I'd be content in some wanker arts subject just squeezing
by. Glen is quite insistent about doing well. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel as though I'm left with some
big shoes to fill when I look at my father. Self made man, very high work ethic, provides for his family, very high morals, all around quality role
model. I wonder when all these qualities developed.
Probably the
day he became a father. I bet ya he was just like me before he had an actual idea of what real responsibility was. I bet he sat up late at night
like I do, doubting myself and thinking about what I am gonna amount to, who am I gonna marry, can I really
picture myself with this girl for the rest of my life. I ask myself this question about my girlfriend now...I truly love her and we've gotten
pretty serious lately. She really is a sweetie and we get along so well, but does she fit into the
whole picture of how I see myself?
How do I
see myself? I
wonder if other people know
who they are....I think I have an identity crisis that has been imprinted into me from a very young age. Being a
twin has given me a lack of self understanding to a certain extent, yet the ability
to read others like a book. I see through people. I see
their motives, opinions, lifestyle,
and sexuality. When one tries to read me, they are left with a blank stare. The reason for this is that
I can't often read myself. What do I really want? What am I looking for? There must be more than this.
I sit
here jamming to Alice in Chains at 3 in the morning finding comfort in
the bashing guitar jams
and whining vocals. I could do so much more with myself. I'm a good musician, a good athlete (in the best shape of my life I might
add), handsome, good with the ladies, intelligent, funny, and as far as well rounded goes I can take the cake.
I feel like I've lived too many lives or something and it's
interfering with the one I'm looking for. I
never fit into a group. I'll lead or not participate.
This big brother mentality would be great in the business world, but I question
more often than ever why do we need all this money. It seems like one great big bonfire of the vanities. I really don't think I'm a vain person,
but I do want to be
successful. This comes from my
competitiveness...another byproduct of growing up with a mirror. I miss
my brother.
I want to clear this page
right now and just start a novel, type until my fingers hurt and my vision blurs. I
feel I'm a great story teller, I can captivate a room full of people with a ten
minute story leaving them waiting for more. This could be due to the fact that I can embellish on anything.
Why
do I do that I ask? It
seems to me that a better approach to life
would be a strictly factual
representation of everything, yet I find myself blatantly exaggerating
once in a while, not about anything important, but just to captivate attention. I guess it all comes down to wanting to be accepted or liked.
Why do I care what people think? To hell with other people...yet daily I find my mind occupied by concerns of another persons view of me. I need to give it up. I need to give up the hardass attitude. I need to laugh more and think less. Life shouldn't be difficult. It should be an experience and that's all. It should be about touching those around you with a spirit that is full of goodness.
Where do my religious
beliefs fit into this? I don't know. I find
myself saying the Lord's prayer
before I go to
bed about once a week....does this
make me Christian...dunno. But it makes me feel like
I have a small bit of spirituality which seems like a good thing to me.
I think back to about 2
years ago when suddenly I became convinced that Jesus was my shepherd and that
the Lord was with me...I don't know
what it was, but I had a rush of spirituality. This strong faith lasted about 6
months and then slowly faded. I now sit on the fence like most other
normal guys my age wondering
what is the meaning to all
this religious speculation.
Humans are a very strange breed.
What are we trying to prove? Which directions are we headed
in? It sometimes seems like one big downward spiral.
In all this craziness I
find comfort in my relationships with others, especially my family and my
girlfriend. I know these people really love me. They give me strength and a sense
of importance, but there is much more to this picture. I just don't know what
it is! What gives family an importance? What do the morals I've accumulated through
good people like my mother
mean in the grand scheme of things?
Especially when there
is so much out there
that fills me with doubt...so much pointless
shit!
Now that I think of it, my writing is pretty much pointless. I wouldn't
be proud to show it to anyone. It doesn't really have a point.
I guess it's just something
to kill time which seems like the whole world is caught up with doing
these days. Its 3:30 and I'm sitting in my room writing to myself! What a waste! Who cares anyway? It's such a shitty attitude
but honestly...who cares. Does God
care what I'm doing right now? Does anyone?
Most people are so caught up in themselves and their problems, they could care less about someone like me sitting in my room trying to process a few thoughts before I go to bed. I guess that is the whole point of me sitting here in the first place....just to process my thoughts. Yet these thoughts sometimes lead on a downward spiral to nowhere.
Tomorrow I will get up,
rollerblade into the city for a glass of oj and a look at the morning news, which is sure
to be filled with death, destruction, and political bullshit. I'll go to the gym and lift some weights
so I can improve my physical
appearance, and then sit in my room
and study C programming so I can prove to myself and father that I have
the ability to do well in school. Do I really care? No. But I should, is what I tell
myself. So I do.
I'll enjoy the
rollerblading, and I'll even enjoy the gym and watching all my muscles swell up
to massive proportions, but the studying will just put me in a terrible mood.
If I hate learning the subject matter why would I ever want a job dealing with
it? Just to make money? But will this money
really make me happy? We'll
see, for I'm gonna be rich! The competition in life drives my spirit.
I will now set a goal to
do something tomorrow that not only makes me feel
alive, but makes someone else happy.
I want to get up every morning and feel like laughing, running, thanking God
for this day.
I don't want to lay awake dreading things. Instead I'll be thankful that I actually can do these things. I'll walk down the street with my head high and a smile and say hello to people I don't even like! I'll refrain from smoking and drinking and just get high on the fact that I'm enjoying my time on this planet...life isn't hard ...we just make it that way.
I've
successfully talked my way out of a lonely hole and given myself some hope.
Cause if I had my girlfriend with me right now I' d be cuddling
and not sitting here lonely. I will learn all my studies
tomorrow and I'll do it for myself and no one else.
It's funny how the
dread of tests makes us crazy. I 1 m so relaxed
compared to most. There are chicks here who cry and freak out over this kind
of stuff.....how hard could it all be?
One thing this will
require is a good night's rest... and hence I
say goodnight..
