Thursday, January 16, 2020

Eric's Journal


     When Eric's belongings came home from New Zealand 20 years ago, Ryan found this file in his computer. Eric had titled it American Observations and it captured some of his thoughts from his semester abroad at Melbourne University. It details the thoughts, hopes and insecurities of a 20 year old who was almost as far from home as a person can get and still stay on the planet.

      We miss him every day.
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American Observations
by Eric Davis Foss
1999

I feel like Doogie Howser... I've never actually taken the time to jot down my thoughts. Maybe because my mind works in a weird way. In some ways I feel like what comes out of my mouth never truly represents the thought process that occurs within my head. Somewhere in-between, an ego                                                                           or an insecurity gets in the way. 
Yet here I sit in a small room, located on the second floor of a castle, writing to myself for no apparent reason.
I haven't quite worked my way into the mainstream of all these Aussies. At dinner, I sit there and listen much more than I talk. I watch all these exchange students sit there and blow smoke about how it is in America and pretend that they're really somebody special where they come from. They are so eager to display themselves -or the selves they choose to portray. As for me, I like to wait and listen.

       You learn a lot more that way. Half the time, the more you get to know someone, the less you respect them. The other half of the time you make them your friend.

I've made two friends so far, an Englishmen named Chris who appears to be my equal in pool, and a 4th year Aussie named Simon who is much more Americanized than most you meet. He lived in Vail for two years and has actually skied at Sugarloaf, my  hometown mountain. Lewis, a Princeton man from San Francisco, has become my new lifting partner. We are both on a conquest to get huge. Laugh at us meathead weight boys all you want, but I kinda like having a set of pecks and a nice bicep  for once. My whole life I've been a scrawny little boy. Yesterday the captain of the rugby team asked me to play cause he needed some more big guys. I was flattered. Plus the chicks love it.

Anyway I really haven't accomplished anything that I set out to do, I actually wanted to come off sounding intellectual. Instead I sound like a columnist from Swank magazine or something. Maybe tomorrow I'll have something good to write. Until then...later.

October 21, 1999

The city of Melbourne is kind of like Boston, similar to Montreal, but it has this Australian feeling that is in a way overwhelming. "Cheers Mate" and "How you goin" are common greetings in these parts.
Aussies can drink!  An alcoholic in America is considered a good drinker in Australia.

I have been called a variety of names like Yank and American in drunken choruses sung by the entire rugby team led by Dennis.         At the end of each song, I was forced to scull (finish) my beer.

So much for the journal I was gonna create during my stay in Australia....I guess it's not too late considering that I still have a few months left....yeah...that's the ticket....procrastination!  The key to success. "The brain functions better under the stress of putting things off," spoken by a biochemistry major I ran into the other day. He seemed smart enough but could have been talking out of his butt, as many of the Australians around this place do. If they would stop complaining (and drinking so much),they could be one of the most recognized nations in the world....instead they're stuck under the wing of the Brits. Anyway....

What have I learned....

        Rugby is a good sport. It is played not only for your team, but for yourself. It is a true test of one's athletic spirit.

Beer is good.....

Those 7am phone calls from the parents in the states the        morning after a smoko (college party) are bad...

If you love someone and you go very far away from them, it hurts...

Bedtime is imminent when you can't type because the screen keeps getting all fuzzy. Especially when its 3:22 in the morning and you just got back from Octoberfest.

Maybe next time I'll express something meaningful in life. We're working on the meaning of life in philosophy. I've expressed two opinions in the class where others are quite quick to draw conclusions. As usual, I don't say much in a situation unless I'm sitting around a campfire with some good friends.

Who knows anyway...everybody can have an opinion, but
when all is said and done, they are still just opinions.
         God is different for every person out there, and religions put these gods into categories. It seems like the categories get bigger and bigger, while the number of people who don't fit into these categories, or perhaps don't believe in God, gets larger and larger. There are the people who don't believe in anything at all. Does it all come down to nothing? What could it mean then? "I dunno" would probably be a good answer since "nothing is the answer".

Getting back to the philosophy class, the only two comments I've made on the subject have been very short as well. The first came when someone rhetorically asked themselves what the meaning of life was after their idea was shot down by the  teacher.

I replied "42".....

A few laughed, obviously having read the "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" series. The others stared as if I had something hanging out of my nose.

I realized that a few started actually contemplating the answer as if they had to check it out and see if that fit right with their belief in Jesus Christ and the Ten Commandments.

I laughed to try to show I was just making a joke. The teacher then pried for my opinion on the philosophical topic they were having before on the subject.

I felt like saying.."Listen buddy....I've had  better philosophy discussions with the kid on acid stuck to a chair in the corner than I am having with     you".

But instead I said, "Life is the meaning of Life. We are created by life, make life, and  die."

A girl from across the room  said, "Huh?"

I said "Excuse me."

She said, "Could you repeat that?"

I said "Tool once said Life feeds on life.....this  is necessary."

She said "Huh?''......Once again people looked at me "funny". Some were amused with the reference to a heroin metal band in a philosophy tutorial, while others gazed, once again, as if my words were Spanish.

I said, "It just seems like a reasonable deduction that we are here to make life. If we ceased to create life, there would be no life, and therefore all human possibilities would become impossible till the next batch of apes made that huge evolutionary jump and started the spiral all over again."
She proceeded to look down into her notepad and write something. I can't remember the last time somebody actually wrote down my name. Everyone else seemed to accept the deduction for a split second and then murmurs began around the room which seemed to overwhelmingly shoot down my theory.
The tutor began his objection right at that point, and confused the hell out of me for 2 minutes with his definitions of meaning. He seemed to meld the word from meaning to purpose, and then explained that my revelation didn't hit the mark of defining those deeper purposes involving right and wrong and good and evil, Ying and Yang, Bill and Ted ...whatever.

I said to him," Many of these purposes come from the process of creating life, such as family. They become the part in life that people value most. At the end of every great man's life, he most likely wishes he could have done more for his family, and less of what he did to pursue his own agenda. Morals and values should be taught at home according to most learned people. It just seems to make sense."

He said "True, true, but this still leaves us in question."

I nodded, as if to say "Fair enough", and with that he looked at his watch and sent us out into the world of academia to fill the jug with more  juice.

I hope the juice makes money.....ahhhhhh....those ever so "real-life" meanings.
Anyway....

November 2nd, 1999

3 days till my first final....Man I hate studying. The only time I can actually force myself to sit down and study are during those 24 panic filled hours before the test. I question the meaning of it   all often.  One of my only motivations to do well comes from my father. Otherwise I think I'd be content in some wanker arts subject just squeezing by. Glen is quite insistent about doing well. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I feel as though I'm left with some big shoes to fill when I look at my father. Self made man, very high work ethic, provides for his family, very high morals, all around quality role model. I wonder when all these qualities          developed.

      Probably the day he became a father. I bet ya he was just like me before he had an actual idea of what real responsibility was. I bet he sat up late at night like I do, doubting myself and thinking about what I am gonna amount to, who am I gonna marry, can I really picture myself with this girl for the rest of my life. I ask myself this question about my girlfriend now...I truly love her and we've gotten pretty serious lately. She really is a sweetie and we get along so well, but does she fit into the whole picture of how I see myself?

How do I see myself?  I wonder if other people know who they are....I think I have an identity crisis that has been imprinted into me from a very young age. Being a twin has given me a lack of self understanding to a certain extent, yet the ability to read others like a book. I see through people. I see their motives, opinions, lifestyle, and sexuality. When one tries to read me, they are left with a blank stare. The reason for this is that I can't often read myself. What do I really want? What am I looking for? There must be more than this.

I sit here jamming to Alice in Chains at 3 in the morning finding comfort in the bashing guitar jams and whining vocals. I could do so much more with myself. I'm a good musician, a good athlete (in the best shape of my life I might add), handsome, good with the ladies, intelligent, funny, and as far as well rounded goes I can take the cake. I feel like I've lived too many lives or something and it's interfering with the one I'm looking for. I never fit into a group. I'll lead or not participate. This big brother mentality would be great in the business world, but I question more often than ever why do we need all this money. It seems like one great big bonfire of the vanities. I really don't think I'm a vain person, but I do want to be successful. This comes from my competitiveness...another byproduct of growing up with a mirror. I miss my brother.

I want to clear this page right now and just start a novel, type until my fingers hurt and my vision blurs. I feel I'm a great story teller, I can captivate a room full of people with a ten minute story leaving them waiting for more. This could be due to the fact that I can embellish on anything.
Why do I do that I ask?  It seems to me that a better approach to life would be a strictly factual representation of everything, yet I find myself blatantly exaggerating once in a while, not about anything important, but just to captivate attention. I guess it all comes down to wanting to be accepted or liked.

Why do I care what  people think?  To hell with other people...yet daily I find my mind occupied by concerns of another persons view of me. I need to give it up. I   need to give up the hardass attitude. I need to laugh more and think less. Life shouldn't be difficult. It should be an experience and that's all. It should be about touching those around you with a spirit that is full of goodness.

Where do my religious beliefs fit into this? I don't know. I find myself saying the Lord's prayer before I go to bed about once a week....does this make me Christian...dunno. But it makes me feel like I have a small bit of spirituality which seems like a good thing to me.

I think back to about 2 years ago when suddenly I became convinced that Jesus was my shepherd and that the Lord was with me...I don't know what it was, but I had a rush of spirituality. This strong faith lasted about 6 months and then slowly faded. I now sit on the fence like most other normal guys my age wondering what is the meaning to all this religious speculation.

             Isn't it all just speculation? Who really does know? Why won't God come down and explain some of these things to us like he did with Moses. I want to be a prophet. I want to spread the word of God, but I'm hindered by massive feelings of doubt. This world is really a crazy place.

     Humans are a very strange breed. What are we trying to prove? Which directions are we headed in? It sometimes seems like one big downward spiral.

In all this craziness I find comfort in my relationships with others, especially my family and my girlfriend. I know these people really love me. They give me strength and a sense of importance, but there is much more to this picture. I just don't know what it is! What gives family an importance? What do the morals I've accumulated through good people like my mother mean in the grand scheme of things? Especially when there is so much out there that fills me with doubt...so much pointless shit!
Now that I think of it, my writing is pretty much pointless. I wouldn't be proud to show it to anyone. It doesn't really have a point. I guess it's just something to kill time which seems like the whole world is caught up with doing these days. Its 3:30 and I'm sitting in my room writing to myself! What a waste!  Who cares anyway? It's such a shitty attitude but honestly...who cares. Does God care what I'm doing right now? Does            anyone?

Most people are so caught up in themselves and their problems, they could care less about someone like me sitting in my room trying to process a few thoughts before I go to bed. I guess that is the whole point of me sitting here in the first place....just to process my thoughts. Yet these thoughts sometimes lead on a downward spiral to nowhere.

Tomorrow I will get up, rollerblade into the city for a glass of oj and a look at the morning news, which is sure to be filled with death, destruction, and political bullshit. I'll go to the gym and lift some weights so I can improve my physical appearance, and then sit in my room and study C programming so I can prove to myself and father that I have the ability to do well in school. Do I really care? No. But I should, is what I tell myself. So I do.

I'll enjoy the rollerblading, and I'll even enjoy the gym and watching all my muscles swell up to massive proportions, but the studying will just put me in a terrible mood. If I hate learning the subject matter why would I ever want a job dealing with it? Just to make money? But will this money really make me happy? We'll see, for I'm gonna be rich! The competition in life drives my spirit.

I will now set a goal to do something tomorrow that not only makes me feel alive, but makes someone else happy. I want to get up every morning and feel like laughing, running, thanking God for this day.

I don't want to lay awake dreading things. Instead I'll be thankful that I actually can do these things. I'll walk down the street with my head high and a smile and say hello to people I don't even like! I'll refrain from smoking and drinking and just get high on the fact that I'm enjoying my time on this planet...life isn't hard ...we just make it that way.
I've successfully talked my way out of a lonely hole and given myself some hope. Cause if I had my girlfriend with me right now I' d be cuddling and not sitting here lonely. I will learn all my studies tomorrow and I'll do it for myself and no one else.    

 It's funny how the dread of tests makes us crazy. I 1 m so relaxed compared to most. There are chicks here who cry and freak out over this kind of stuff.....how hard could it all be?

One thing this will require is a good night's  rest... and hence I say goodnight..










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